What I learned from having cancer… twice.

“I think we need surgery to see what this is” was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was sitting in a doctor’s office with my wife and two kids. We had just reviewed my final scan after two years of observation and had found a small lump in the ultrasound. I knew something was up when the examining technician took some extra pictures of my kidney. Fast forward and yes it was cancer. The second one. At key transition points in my life I have gone through shockingly deep and scary experiences. These forced me to take a long hard look at the next step, rather than shuffling along looking at my smartphone. They were so profound because they were at pivotal moments in my life when my identity and direction in life were under immense change.

Cancer #1 — You won’t live forever.

I was entering my final exams at high school and I noticed a lump that concerned me. I made an appointment with my doctor and an ultrasound later he had confirmed it was cancer. When most kids are at a time of their lives when they feel invincible this was a stark reminder of my mortality. A bachelor life was just around the corner and to have this snatched away made me scared. So, I did what any 20-year-old person does and dove head first into hedonism. The next ten years were a whirlwind of drinking, partying, travel and chasing girls. While everyone else was doing this out of an immense sense of freedom, I remember feeling death only two steps behind me. By living as hard as I could, I could somehow keep away death’s gaze and distract myself. Fortunately, during this time, I found meditation and became more at ease with the idea of my place in the universe.

Your life is made up of the seconds, minutes and hours you spend every day at work, with your family and watching Netflix. If we aren’t fully aware that death is coming for us, it can be hard to make the decision and prioritise the things you really want from your life. Most western societies have advanced medical care where death really isn’t present in our lives. We don’t really need to think about it until it touches our peers, as older people dying is just a part of the natural order, right? Having death on my shoulder meant I evaluated all paths early with a skepticism to have as much fun as possible.

Cancer # 2 — Focus on the important things.

Let’s go back to the doctor’s office. I had been on observation for the last two years because of some other health problems. My daughter was born a few months earlier and I was looking forward to being done with tests and moving on. The doctor needed to have a trend of readings built up to make any kind of diagnosis. After not finding any strong evidence, he decided that this should be our last meeting. It was on this meeting he saw a lump he had never seen before. I was transitioning to being a family man and had a lot of the same feelings as before. What would I miss out on if I checked out now? The difference this time was not the concern for myself but for my wife and kids not having me around. I started to think about all the time and experiences we would miss out on. All the life that we would live and experience through our mind, body and relationships. These were the only things I could think about amongst the turmoil. I wanted to be there to teach my son how to shave and lift a bench press. I wanted to walk long bush walks with my daughter and I wanted to hold my wife tightly, smelling her hair. These were the things that mattered.

For the past year or so I have been volunteering at a palliative care hospital. I get to hang around people and their families in their final days. What I never hear in these conversations is any mention of work or wealth. They are important to drive our lives forward but only of any worth if they are connected to supporting our health, mind and relationships.

We were fortunate enough to remove the cancer. I made the decision then to focus on the important things. As a free man with money there are a million things competing for my attention and that number grows day by day. Life is a series of tradeoffs. There is no shortage of thrills to tempt you but there are only a few things that really count. Your relationships and health are the most important things in your life and need the time and attention they deserve.

So, for the next 20 years I will try to pay less attention to the thrills in life. I will pay more attention to trying to go deep with my relationships, mind and body.

I hope you will too.