Parent Like an Ancient Greek Philosopher
I have to admit it. I am a fraud and can’t really contain this any longer.
I am not really an adult. Well some of the time, but even after decades on this planet I sometimes feel like a bumbling adolescent. Still waiting for life to “start” or to feel the confident strength of manhood. I don’t think I am alone. Just a quick search of Facebook will show you group after group of men trying to band together and find some sort of entrance into a manhood that they were never given access to.
I feel it. My dad and I never had a great relationship. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either. There was never a time when I felt that he transitioned me from a boy into a man. There was no ceremony, there was no trial by fire.
I see a lot of people struggling with these life transitions. Most recently I see it in new parents. It’s a rude shock to a lot of people when they realise, yes you do need to move on with your life when you have kids. Maybe it is a recent phenomenon with the rise of the instagram lifestyle but it’s something I think we can do better.
It is this point where I was so confused when Solon entered my life. Solon was an ancient greek philosopher and statesmen who set out his letter on the stages of life.
Solon divides life into nine stages of seven years. This weirdly aligns with the famous documentary “7 Up” which follows the life of a set of children all the way through their lives. The number seven isn’t as rigid as you might expect but I found these life stages intriguing in how they mirrored by experience or lack of.
In Solon’s eyes life is divided into 10 groups of 7 years intervals
Not all of this is relevant but it does provide a great foundation in order to build my parenting framework. It hits a number of objectives
It answers the question “What do I do now?”
With this framework, I can easily give to my children and at any point in their life they can refer to it for guidance on what their focus should be.
It prepares you for “What Next?”
By understanding what is coming up next in life it helps you make the most of the stage of life you are in now. i.e. Stop feeling guilty about partying too much in your 20’s when you know kids will give you plenty of nights at home.
The Framework
(0–7) Be a kid
Most of us don’t have control over this time in our lives but we do have control over our children. It is easy in our over parented and over-scheduled society for this stage to get lost in “doing”. This stage is all about play, sleep and enjoying the unencumbered freedom of being a kid. We are placing expectations on our children at younger and younger ages so it is important to give them space to have a life without care and expectation.
Principle: A time to be truly wild and free. This is a time where the foundation of a strong family is created.
(7–14) Be a friend
An important part of happiness and success is being able to create and maintain relationships. During this time kids naturally start to spend more time with friends and their personality will be heavily influenced by their peers. This time will be devoted to kids spending more time with their friends than with their families so they can learn to navigate all the hurt feelings and possibly break ups that come along with a social life.
Principle: Learn how to be a social animal through the way you interact with your friends.
(14–21) Self Reliance
The next seven years are focused on learning the skills to be an adult. By the end of this time the individual should be able to take care of their own money, health and relationships. This takes in a multitude of things to learn but people are great at learning hands on during this time. By the time my son is twenty-one, I plan for him to be able to cook his own meals, invest his own money and feel confident approaching a woman of his interest. I feel the same way about my daughter.
Principle: Learn the skills because after this you are on your own. All the decisions, successes and failures are up to you.
(21–28) Growth
During this time, we are likely out of the nest exploring the world independently through our peers and experiences. This is the time for trying new things and meeting new people. All of which will influence the person we will choose to become. We should encourage ourselves to try anything we can to grow past the limits of our childhood and chart a course for the person that we will want to become.
Principle: Try everything. Meet everyone. Learn and Grow.
(28–35) Settling Down
Many people have a hard time letting go of the thrills of their youth, but if you have followed these stages so far it should be quite easy to understand that things will change and welcoming it will yield better results than clinging. Having lived my 20’s so much, I had no problems welcoming the burdens and pleasures of family life. This may not be for everyone but for the large majority it fits.
Principle: Welcome a change in your life, as it is with these seeds great things grow.
(35–42) Growing Up
At this point of our lives we will start to show a larger interest in the grand view of our life. We have enough experience behind us to know who and what we want in our life. We will start to become less self-centered and more focused upon how we can be of service to those around us. This usually comes from the act of being a parent but also comes from the realisation that we won’t be around forever.
Principle: Become less focused on our personal wants and more on the needs of others and the world.
(42–56) Become a Master
By this time, we have probably grown in a profession for a decade or more. Considering it takes several decades to master any profession, now is the time not for switching tracks but to go deep on becoming the most effective we can be. We may feel that we would like to try something new but true satisfaction and mastery comes not from finding your calling but from being good at what you do. So, devote yourself to this and reap the fruits of your hard work
Principle: Now is the time to go deep and have true mastery at your work as there is not much time left and it takes decades to develop this skill.
(56–63) The Decline
A time will come when your skills are not as sharp as they once were. You will feel much more tired of life and spend more time looking back than looking forward. Much more time admiring and coaching the young, than looking to those above you. It is here we will start to see the decline of our lives. The decline of our bodies, the decline of our skills and maybe even the sharpness of our mind. This is nothing to be lamented. If you have followed this framework you will have put in the right work at the right time and cannot be attached to their results. Enjoy this time by making the most of your time contributing, teaching and preparing the next generation with your unique gifts
Principle: Notice the change in your life and focus your gifts towards training and helping those behind you.
(63–70) Ready Yourself
At this point it should be painfully clear that you won’t live forever and you may have years instead of decades left to enjoy life. For this reason, it is time to remove anything that you have so far tolerated from your life. Now is the time to devote yourself to the things your truly love and enjoy. Be kind and generous to those around you. Live with calm and grace.
Principle: Welcome the coming end with deliberate intent. Don’t leave anything left unsaid or undone. Be kind and generous to those around you and leave your legacy.
Conclusion
By no means is this an exact path, but I think it serves as a very good blueprint for working your way through the important process of growing and progressing in life. The alternative is to forge on aimlessly or deny the foretold truths that we will all grow old and die. Living a good life is about letting go of what has passed and embracing what is to come.
I will be using this map to make key decisions about my time and how I raise my children. I encourage you to as well.
