3 Questions for a More Conscious Marriage.

“Being a young parent is the hardest thing I have ever done”.

I was sitting with a friend having a coffee. The moment she said those words I empathised as it was exactly what I had been thinking to myself many times. When you open an Instagram feed or blog about living a full life you are more likely to see pictures of people climbing Everest rather than changing nappies. I had done a lot in my life. Travelling for years, sailing from Vanuatu to Australia, Climbing mountains in Nepal etc. I always liked to do “hard” stuff but nothing had prepared me for raising a family. The images we are presented with are supposed to be all sunshine and happy times, so it can be hard for us to admit to those around us. “This is really hard” or “I don’t think this is going very well:”

Our conversation continued, and I asked her the question “Are you seeing any of the behaviours from your parents’ marriage show up in your own marriage?”. Her eyes widened, and she agreed. I noticed it myself. We all grew up witnessing “marriage” up close and personal with our own parents. We never really had an inside view of any other model. So consciously and unconsciously we are modelling our marital relationship on what we observed.

We could take this as the way marriage is, but the truth is that it is the way one marriage was at a certain point in time. That means it will not work again without examination and transparency. To expect otherwise is essentially gambling and when your family is concerned, the stakes are too high.

We can learn from our parents but the thing to keep in mind is that they were doing the best they could with what they had at that time. However, the world has changed, you have changed and the person you are married to is not the same. Do not run default scripts you have inherited but take a moment to inspect where you are coming from. This will start a process where you can assume you are wrong and move forward with a mindset of learning, growth and conscious living.

Three questions to get you started

• “How would you describe the marriage you witnessed between your parents?”
• “Is this kind of relationship still relevant in your modern context? What has changed?”
• “Does this match with my partner’s expectation of a marriage?”